Why you keep ending up in the same patterns and how to reclaim yourself

Your current relationship patterns, your fear of rejection, your urge to please or care for others — they didn’t appear out of nowhere. The roots of codependency are deeply anchored in your childhood, in both your inner child and your inner teenager.

If you grew up in an unsafe, absent, or emotionally unpredictable home, you learned early on that love was something you had to earn. That your boundaries didn’t matter. That your emotions were too big, too much, or invisible.

As a child, you had no choice. Your survival mechanism made sure you adapted, suppressed your own needs, and sought love in the only way available — by giving yourself up for the other person.

But as an adult, you can choose differently. The first step?

Go back to where it started.

The inner child who got lost

Your inner child is the part of you that was once completely dependent on your parents or caregivers. The part that craved unconditional love, to be seen, to be held without having to prove anything.

You may not consciously remember it, but your body still knows. As a child, you could sense exactly what was going on with the people around you. You adapted, became quiet or, conversely, extra helpful. You adapted, stayed quiet, or became extra helpful. Your inner child learned it was safer to hide your own emotions, because that kept the connection — — even if it was at your own expense.

Every time you gave yourself up to earn love, you left a piece of yourself behind. That’s how the inner emptiness formed — the emptiness every codependent knows so well. It’s not a personal flaw; it’s a painful imprint of all the moments when you didn’t matter.

The first survival strategies – how you lost yourself in order to survive

The child's brain: completely dependent on its environment

A baby is born with an underdeveloped brain. The first few years are crucial, because it is shaped by interaction with the outside world.

Neuroplasticity – The brain constantly adapts based on experiences. In a safe environment, a child develops healthy self-regulation. In an unsafe environment, it learns to adapt in order to survive.

Attachment theory – Secure attachment forms the foundation for emotional stability. If parents are emotionally unpredictable, absent or narcissistic, a child learns that love is uncertain and that it must adapt to stay connected.

When love is conditional, the child’s brain learns that safety depends on what you do, not on who you are.

The early years: the birth of protective strategies

The first years of your life determine how you will deal with relationships later on. In an emotionally unsafe environment, a child develops strategies to protect themselves.

These later become unconscious patterns that you automatically repeat:

Pleasing (hyper-adaptation)

You learned that if you were nice enough, you might receive love. You became the “easy” child who never caused trouble.

Adult impact: You avoid setting boundaries, you put yourself last, and you feel responsible for other people’s happiness.

Mood scanning (hyper-vigilance)

You became extremely sensitive to other people’s emotions, knowing that even a slight sign of discontent could lead to rejection or punishment.

Adult impact: You can sense tension in a room before anything happens. You instantly know how someone feels, but you’re disconnected from your own emotions.

Making yourself invisible (dissociation)

If your emotions were too much for your parents to handle, you learned to “mute” yourself.

Adult impact: You feel empty but don’t know why. You struggle to make decisions for yourself.

Earning love (achievement and perfectionism)

You learned that love only came when you did something “right.” This became a deep belief: “If I’m perfect, I won’t be abandoned.”

Adult impact: You are hard on yourself, wrestle with perfectionism, and never feel “good enough.”

The role you had to play

All of these strategies combine into a role you took on as a child — one that protected you in the short term but pushed you further and further away from yourself in the long run.

Some children are unconsciously assigned a clear place in the family:

• The scapegoat – You get blamed and are unfairly portrayed as the problem.

• The invisible one – You withdraw to avoid conflict.

• The mediator/pleaser – You try to keep everyone happy.

These roles often become your identity, making it difficult to discover who you truly are.

Some kids unconsciously get a clear place in the family:

Scapegoat — You get blamed and unfairly labelled as the problem.

Invisible – You withdraw to avoid conflict.

Mediator/pleaser – You try to keep everyone happy.

These role-playing patterns often become your identity, making it difficult to discover who you really are.

From inner child to inner teenager – the next layer of self-loss

The strategies you developed as a child followed you into your teenage years.

But something shifted there.

Where your inner child tried to earn love through adaptation, your inner teenager began to long for freedom, identity, and self-determination.

However, without a secure foundation, that search was also driven by fear — the fear of rejection, of not being good enough, or of feeling the pain of the past again.

The vulnerable transition phase

Puberty is a time when autonomy should develop. It is the period when you test boundaries, form your own opinions and learn to make independent choices.

But if boundaries were punished, autonomy was suppressed or emotions were rejected, part of you got stuck in that struggle.

You unconsciously learned:

• Setting boundaries is dangerous.
• Anger is unsafe.
• Autonomy is selfish.

For those who learned to adapt at a young age, this phase became confusing and painful. You stood at the crossroads between parental dependence and freedom , but both felt unsafe.

Three common survival patterns of the inner teenager

Whether you turned outward or inward, both were attempts to gain control over a world in which you felt powerless.

The Pleaser Teenager

Avoids conflict and adapts to others.

Tries to earn approval by putting themselves last.

Becomes dependent on external validation.

The Rebel Teenager

Fights fiercely for freedom and resists authority.

Lives in extremes: all or nothing.

Hides a deep fear of rejection behind the resistance.

The Invisible Teenager

Withdraws to avoid conflict.

Suppresses emotions and avoids being truly seen.

Often takes on a submissive role in relationships later in life.

Most codependents recognise a mix of these strategies, depending on the situation.

The teenage brain — emotion over logic

The teenage brain is still in full development. The prefrontal cortex – the part responsible for planning and self-control – is not yet fully matured, while the emotional brain is already firing at full speed. This makes teenage experiences far more intense and means that any sense of insecurity during this time can leave a deep imprint.

Why your inner teenager still shapes your relationships

Many codependents believe their patterns come solely from childhood. Yet the teenage years are often when the real conflict between the need for safety and the desire for freedom becomes most visible.

Your inner child sought safety through adaptation.

Your inner teenager longed for freedom but remained afraid of rejection.

Your adult self now struggles with a mix of both.

The more you understand how your inner teenager was shaped, the clearer it becomes why you are drawn to certain relationships and dynamics – and why it sometimes feels as if you are still fighting for the same freedom you were once denied.

Healing the wound of the inner teenager

Healing means:

• Becoming aware of your extreme empathy and learning to protect your energy

• Claiming the autonomy you didn't have back then

• Letting go of the need for approval from others

• Resetting your nervous system so you are no longer pulled into push–pull dynamics

By giving your inner teenager what they needed back then, you free yourself from patterns that still shape your relationships today.

Your body remembers everything

What you couldn't express at the time was stored in your body. Anger that you couldn't express is now tension in your shoulders. Sadness that you had to swallow lies like a stone on your chest.

Your nervous system learned to:

• Always be alert.
• To scan other people's feelings to avoid danger.
• To ignore your own needs for the sake of others.

Your limbic system linked love to survival. Insecurity became familiar because it resembled the past. That is why love can often feel like tension and healthy love may feel strange.

Why mental insights are not enough

You may rationally understand where your patterns come from, but if your body is still living in an old story, you will repeat it.

Without a physical reset, you will continue to:

• Falling back into old dynamics

• Judging yourself harshly after every setback

• Searching for what you once missed in your connections.

Real healing takes more than talking.

It requires embodiment. A return to your inner child. An acknowledgment of your inner teenager. And a reset of your nervous system.

Extreme empathy – why codependents feel more than most people

One of the most significant effects of an unsafe childhood and adolescence is the development of extreme empathy. This is not simply “feeling for others”. It is a neurological and emotional adaptation for survival.

How extreme empathy develops

• As a child or teenager, you had to constantly scan other people's emotions to avoid danger.
• You learned to pick up moods and subtle signals very quickly in order to avoid rejection or punishment.
• Your nervous system became chronically hyperalert, causing you to feel other people's emotions more strongly than your own as an adult.

Extreme empathy is not an innate gift, it is a survival mechanism.

And it attracts exactly the wrong people: narcissists, manipulators, and emotionally unavailable partners.

Why?

• Narcissists instinctively sense who is extremely empathic and therefore easy to manipulate

• Codependents give without boundaries; narcissists take without limits

• The hyper-vigilance of a codependent creates a constant sense of responsibility for the other person’s emotions – the perfect playing field for toxic relationships

Why setting boundaries can feel impossible

For a child growing up in an emotionally unsafe environment, a boundary is not a healthy expression of autonomy – it is a threat.

Every time you felt a boundary as a child and it was ignored, punished, or mocked, your nervous system learned: “It’s not safe to protect myself.”

And that is exactly what becomes the foundation of codependency.

If you grew up with parents who were emotionally unpredictable, absent, or controlling, you rarely had the space to feel or express your no.

Instead, you learned:

• that love depended on how well you adapted

• that ‘being difficult’ led to rejection

• that your feelings were too much

You learned to scan for what the other person needed and to ignore your own boundaries.

Your body learned: connection is more important than self-protection. And so, saying no still feels like danger.

Why boundaries are especially difficult in narcissistic relationships

Narcissists instinctively recognise this lack of boundaries. They test, cross, and push them – sometimes with charm, sometimes with threat. And every time you give in, you confirm to them that your boundary is an illusion.

For the codependent, setting a boundary can feel like:

• being selfish

• risking rejection

• threatening the connection

But for the narcissist, a boundary is the only language they truly understand.

What your body still believes about saying no

Your nervous system links boundaries with:

• punishment

• abandonment

• shame

• danger

This is why setting a boundary can feel like fighting against your entire system. It requires not only courage, but also a reprogramming of your deepest beliefs – and of your body’s physical reaction to stress.

How you can start to heal this

• Notice when you cross your own boundary

  Not afterwards, but in the moment. Do you feel tension, tightening, or restlessness?

• Acknowledge the inner child seeking safety

  Speak to them: “I see you. I understand why you do this. But I’m here now.”

• Reset your nervous system

  Use breathwork, body-based practices, or gentle movement to calm yourself. Only when your body feels safe can you sense and express a boundary.

• Practise with gentle no’s

  Not everything needs to be radical. Start small. Every no spoken from self-love strengthens your inner power.

• Anchor new experiences

  Every time you set a boundary and there is no rejection, remember that. Your system needs new references.

Your boundaries are not a wall, but a filter that guards what is right for you.

A healthy boundary does not say, “I reject you.” A healthy boundary says, 'I guard what is essential to my well-being.

And you? You can learn that your feelings matter. That saying “no” does not mean you will be abandoned. And that boundaries are not the end of love, but the beginning of real connection.

Why your adult relationships repeat the past

Every relationship you entered as an adult was unconsciously shaped by that old programming. You were drawn to partners who made you feel the same way you did back then. Not because you wanted to, but because your nervous system recognised it as love.

You fell for people who made you doubt yourself.

You gave up everything for a fleeting glance of approval.

You kept hoping that if you gave enough, they would one day truly love you.

That isn’t love. That is the survival pain of your inner child and teenager, still longing for what they never received.

As long as your inner child and inner teenager unconsciously remain in charge, you will keep confusing love with survival. You search for the safety you once missed in someone else – but it isn’t there. You have to build it within yourself.

Real healing doesn’t start with trying harder, but with learning to recognise when your younger parts have taken over.

Yearning for approval → inner child.

Going into resistance → inner teenager.

Crossing your own boundaries out of fear of rejection → old survival pattern.

Each time you notice this, you can choose to do something different.

The key to freedom – reclaiming every part of yourself

True healing means bringing all parts of yourself back home: the wounded child, the protective teenager, and the adult self who can now hold what was once too heavy.

When you stop only understanding and start feeling, something fundamental shifts. You learn that safety comes from within, not from external validation.

Your path to wholeness – from surviving to living

In my 16-week programme, I guide you step by step to:

• Recognise which parts are reacting (child, teenager, adult you)

• Calm your nervous system

• Give love to your own wounds instead of begging for it from others

• Heal and integrate your inner parts so you regain the lead in your life

• Build a relationship with yourself that is steady, loving, and free

Recovery begins the moment you acknowledge what was missing and decide to lovingly reclaim everything you lost along the way.

Would you like guidance with this?

Discover my 16-week recovery programme — especially for people with codependent patterns who are ready to come home to their true selves.

Would you like to know how these childhood and teenage patterns control not only your thinking but also your body?

Then read The imprint of childhood wounds in your body. How your nervous system holds on to survival patterns