The most ruthless voice of all

When we talk about narcissistic abuse, we often recognise the outer patterns — control, manipulation, guilt, contempt. But what’s less visible, and often far more deeply embedded, is the voice that has taken root inside of you.

The voice that punishes every misstep.

That whispers you’re not enough.

That keeps repeating the same painful messages… long after the other person is gone.

This is your inner critic.

And if you live with codependency, that voice is often harsher than anyone around you ever was.

How the inner critic is formed

No one is born with a critical voice.

The inner critic develops as a form of protection in an unsafe environment.

As a child, you quickly learned that love wasn’t guaranteed — it had to be earned.

By being good. By self-abandoning. By staying quiet, being helpful, achieving, or making yourself invisible.

When your parents couldn’t hold space for your emotions, needs, or boundaries, you started to doubt yourself.

The only way to make sense of that?

Blame yourself:

•  Maybe I’m too much.
•  If I try harder, maybe they’ll see me.
•  If I don’t feel anything, there won’t be conflict.

And so, an inner voice emerged.

One that tried to keep you safe by constantly correcting, warning, and rejecting you.

What once protected you has become a form of internal abuse.

The inner critic as a mirror of the narcissist

What narcissists once said to you out loud

•  You now say to yourself silently.
•  You doubt your intuition.
•  You dismiss your feelings.
•  You believe your emotions are “too much.”
•  You punish yourself for every mistake.
•  You sabotage your growth the moment you start to bloom.

Here’s the hard truth:

What the narcissist once did to you externally, your inner critic now continues internally.

And this is why it’s so difficult to truly break free from destructive relationships, you may have left the person, but their voice is still living inside of you.

The consequences of an active inner critic

These patterns are often seen in codependents:

• Chronic guilt (even when you did nothing wrong)
• Perfectionism, fear of failure and excessive responsibility
• Difficulty with self-care or relaxation: ‘I have to do this first...’
• Inability to receive: compliments, love, space
• Unconscious self-punishment: sabotaging success, relationships or peace

The critic keeps you in a state of “deserving” and “proving”. The nervous system remains hyper-alert. Inner peace is lacking.

From inner criticism to inner gentleness

You don't have to ignore or banish this voice. That would create another inner war.

What does work is recognising when it is your critic speaking and learning to choose a different tone.

A compassionate, mature inner voice that says:

You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.

You are safe, even when you fail.

You don’t need to prove anything to be worthy.

This takes practice. Awareness. Reprogramming.

But above all, it takes gentleness.

Not because you are weak, but because true strength begins when you stop punishing yourself from within.

What can you do now?

Do you recognise this inner critic in yourself?

Are you ready to change the way you speak to yourself?

Do you want to break free from the cycle of self-rejection?

Explore my 16-week recovery programme for codependency, a deeply transformative process where you’ll learn to heal your inner world, calm your nervous system, and finally come home to yourself.

→ Learn more about the programme

→ Take the free self-test: Am I codependent?

→ Or book a free Clarity Talk — a conversation to explore what you need right now.

You can learn to treat yourself the way you’ve always longed to be treated by others.

And it starts with the voice inside you.