Why narcissists use sex as a way to control

For a narcissist, sex is rarely a way to create genuine connection. It is an instrument of influence. They are often obsessed with power, even on a physical level. They want to know if they can break you.

If you will give in.

If you will stay silent.

If you will mould yourself to their desires.

This drive can have roots in deep shame or rejection from childhood.

Sometimes, there is a split between heart and body, where sex becomes a separate domain, something driven by prestige rather than intimacy.

Early sexual conditioning, neglect, or even abuse can play a role. Often, it goes hand-in-hand with an addiction to validation, admiration, or dominance.

Their sexual hunger is rarely a call for intimacy, but a longing for control.

When passion becomes manipulation

In its purest form, sex is a means of connection, a space where trust, vulnerability and love can flourish.

But in toxic relationships, this intimate act is often twisted into a means of control, manipulation and emotional imprisonment.

Sex is a powerful mechanism within trauma dynamics. It can be a way to seek love, to feel connected, to affirm your self-worth.

But when a narcissist or toxic partner exploits that vulnerability, it becomes a means of domination rather than connection.

The magnetic pull of toxic relationships

Toxic relationships often begin with an overwhelming attraction, a magnetic energy that feels unreal, intense, and all-consuming.

For someone who is empathetic or vulnerable, this attraction can feel like fate.

• You feel deeply seen and desired.
• You experience passion you've never felt before.
• You feel like there's a deep, almost spiritual connection.

But beneath the surface, there's another mechanism at work. This intense attraction is often not a sign of real love, but of deep-rooted trauma being touched.

For a narcissistic or toxic partner, intimacy is not about love, but about power. They are not looking for a real connection; they are testing how far they can go, how much they can take from you, how deeply you will become reliant on them.

What first appears to be love is often the beginning of a cycle of manipulation and control.

How sex is used as manipulation in a toxic relationship.

In a toxic dynamic, sex is often weaponised.

Not as a shared, loving experience, but as a way to gain and keep control.

• To create dreliance

Sex is used to bind you to the relationship. The intensity of the sexual connection can make it feel as if you are “meant to be,” even when the rest of the relationship is built on manipulation.

• To cause emotional confusion

Sex is often used after periods of arguing, manipulation or gaslighting, making it feel like everything is “okay” again. This creates an addictive cycle of pain and reconciliation.

• To push your boundaries

Toxic partners often slowly push you further and further beyond your comfort zone. What once felt safe is slowly stretched. You are manipulated into doing things you never truly felt comfortable with.

• To reinforce power and control

By regulating sexual tension and attraction, for example by strategically giving and withholding love and attention, you remain in a state of uncertainty, in which you try harder and harder to be “good enough”.

Sex becomes a tool to make you doubt your own reality, until you increasingly rely on their approval.

What happens to a codependent person

If you grew up believing that you are only loved when you give... then you also give your body. Even if it doesn't feel safe.

You freeze.

You adapt.

You think: ‘Maybe I have to do this to deserve love.’

Or: ‘Maybe I brought this on myself.’

But afterwards, you feel it:

You weren't present in your body

You didn't feel free

You did feel rejection, emptiness, confusion

And yet you judge yourself:

I should have said no.

I could have stopped it.

I was wrong too.

But no. You were programmed. And that's different than permission.

.

Dear codependent, you no longer have to punish yourself for a response that was meant to keep you safe. Don't let that shame carry your name.

The double punishment

A narcissist pushes you over your boundaries and then punishes you for going along with it. They don't see you as a human being, but as an extension of their own needs.

Afterwards comes the silence. Or contempt. Or the accusation that you were the one who initiated it.

What once felt like connection turns into distance. And you are left with guilt, disgust, confusion.

But you were never free. You survived in a way that you are only now beginning to understand.

Why people around you often don't understand you

For people without trauma, without this dynamic, it seems simple:

‘Why didn't you say no?’

But your nervous system doesn't work rationally. It responds to old imprinting, to survival patterns.

Sometimes you go along with it. Sometimes you freeze.

Sometimes it takes hours or days to realise what actually happened.

People outside this dynamic, who aren’t codependent, often think in black and white.

They don't see how deeply this power affects your system.

They don't understand that your nervous system said “yes” in order to survive, while your soul screamed “no”.

And in the meantime, the outside world judges you.

Or ignores your pain.

Or says, 'But you could have refused, couldn't you?

And that's exactly where the difference lies. They don't understand, but the narcissist does. They know exactly where your boundaries are weak and use your past to break you again.

You don't have to explain yourself to people who don't understand your layer of pain. They weren't there. And your body had its own reasons for doing what it did.

Why your nervous system can confuse sex with safety

If you grew up in an environment where love was unsafe, chances are your nervous system has come to associate love with danger.

For someone with a history of trauma, emotional neglect or sexual abuse, intense attraction may not mean that something is “good”, but that it feels familiar.

Why this is dangerous:

You confuse intensity with love, the stronger it feels, the more “real” you think it is.

Your nervous system seeks what it knows, even if that means pain.

Your body thinks that safety is something you have to earn, not something you deserve to have. This is why you can feel drawn to someone who hurts you at the very same time.

Why narcissists and toxic partners use sex as a weapon

Sexuality is a powerful source of energy, and toxic partners understand this instinctively.

For them, intimacy is not about emotional connection, but about dominance and control.

Narcissists intuitively understand the power of sexuality. And they use it to gain power, not to connect.

• They test your boundaries: how much will you accept?
• They mirror your deepest desires: in the beginning, you get exactly what you need
• They make you dependent: ‘no one feels you like I do’
• They break you down: later, sex becomes a means of making you feel small

It's not love. It's a game that you lose as long as you keep playing.

How to break free and restore your boundaries

If sex has been used as a means of manipulation, it is essential to reclaim your own sexuality – not as something to be “given” to someone else, but as something that belongs to you.

Gently acknowledge your pain

• You were hurt, not because you were weak, but because someone crossed your boundaries
• What your body did was survive
• You can learn to feel again, in safety, piece by piece
• You have the right to speak your truth, even if no one ever wanted to hear it

Sexual abuse within narcissistic relationships is no exception. It is often a hidden, toxic core of their strategy.

And you?

You can now choose:

• To stop judging yourself for what you have been through.
• To acknowledge the harm and heal yourself without shame.
• To reclaim your sexuality, not as a burden, but as something that is yours.
• To stop pleasing others with your body at your own expense.

This part touches on a layer that many people are ashamed of, but where gentleness and clarity are needed.

I have seen it with clients and experienced it myself in the past: how you are pushed beyond your limits, how your body adapts while your heart withdraws, the constant questioning of whether you did something wrong.

Sometimes silence follows.

Sometimes even more manipulation follows.

But the confusion always remains...

In my book How Do I Get Out of This?, this theme gets the recognition it deserves as part of the deeper patterns of codependency.

Because what you went through was not love. It was a repetition of old pain, disguised as connection. And now, you get to choose something different: gentleness, boundaries, and self-respect.

How to reclaim yourself – 5 steps to sexual autonomy

• Acknowledge the manipulation – See how sex was used as a weapon of power.

• Restore your boundaries – Your body is yours. Doubt has no place there.

• Reconnect with your body – through breathwork, body-based therapy, self-care.

• Break the shame cycle – You are not “usable.” You are valuable.

• Seek support – You don’t have to do this alone. You are allowed to be held.

Your sexuality is yours. Not theirs to control. Sex should never be a tool of control, only an expression of love, trust and freedom.

Why the abuse doesn't stop... until you stop

Toxic partners will not stop manipulating you as long as it works. This means that you are the one who has to break the cycle.

• Their behaviour won't change.
• They will always want more.
• You have to decide where to draw the line.

It's not your job to change them. It's your job to protect yourself.

Sex should never be confused with manipulation, power, or control. If you notice that sex in your relationship has been used as a form of domination rather than love, know that you have the strength to break that pattern.

Your sexuality is yours

You don't have to justify it.

You don't have to forget it.

But you can stop carrying the guilt that doesn't belong to you.

Sexuality is not meant to break you

Sexuality is not meant to silence you

Sexuality is yours, not theirs

You can start to experience your body as a safe place again.

You can learn to feel your boundaries again.

And you can learn that you are not guilty for surviving.

Would you like to talk about this in a safe space, without judgement?

Discover the 16-week programme – for healing your body, boundaries and truth.