The Magnetic Pull Between a Codependent and a Narcissist
Why opposites hold on to each other
They seem to be opposites. But deep down... they are unconsciously attracted to each other.
The caring codependent. The self-centred narcissist.
It seems impossible to understand why these two keep finding each other.
Why does one feel responsible and drained, while the other maintains control, often without truly connecting?
What if the attraction is not a coincidence, but a recognition of old pain?
Love often feels like what you know – Not what you need
Codependents often grew up in an environment where love was neither safe nor consistent.
Perhaps you were seen as “the strong one”, “the good one”, or “the affectionate one.”
You learned to care, to please, and to hide your feelings in exchange for scraps of love, approval, or peace.
Your nervous system became accustomed to tension.
Unpredictability became your norm. And so it feels familiar when someone is intense, demanding, erratic or distanced.
You recognise it as chemistry, but what you’re actually feeling is the activation of old survival patterns.
The limbic system recognises trauma as familiar
The attraction is biologically explainable. Your brain has a system that recognises danger or safety based on past experiences: the limbic system. If you had to earn love as a child, as an adult you will be attracted to situations in which you have to prove yourself again.
You unconsciously seek confirmation of your old pain:
“See? I’m still not enough.”
And at the same time, you hope for the opposite: “Maybe this time I’ll be seen.”
The narcissist, often charming, powerful, or intense at first – touches exactly that longing: the hope of finally being chosen.
But instead of healing, it becomes repetition.
The limbic system functions as a kind of “emotional memory”. It stores early childhood experiences that have not been processed through words, but through the body and feelings.
As a result, adults may be attracted to people or situations that resemble the unsafe love they experienced in their childhood, not because it feels good, but because it feels familiar.
This explains why you feel safe with the unsafe, and why your nervous system only finds peace in what you had to survive in the past.
Attachment styles: the codependent is often anxious, the narcissist avoidant
The dynamic between a codependent and a narcissist can also be explained by attachment styles.
The codependent seeks closeness, reassurance, and affirmation.
The narcissist alternates between attraction and rejection, which means that confirmation is constantly being withdrawn.
This creates a painful dance:
One clings on, the other pulls away. And both remain trapped in their own survival strategy. It feels intense. But it is not love, it is attachment plus trauma.
The anxious attachment style often stems from a childhood where love was unpredictable.
Sometimes you were seen, sometimes ignored. This makes you, as an adult, hyper-aware of any sign of rejection.
The narcissist often has an avoidant or disorganised attachment style, where closeness feels threatening.
Instead of seeking connection, they seek control.
And so the painful but magnetic pattern continues, one clings, the other pushes away.
Why it is so difficult to break free
What makes it even more complicated:
In the beginning, the narcissist mirrors your deepest desires. You feel seen, desired, special.
But as soon as you invest emotionally, the pattern shifts.
Then begins the cycle of rejection, blame, and confusion.
And your inner child thinks: “If I’m just a little kinder… if I adapt a bit more… the love will stay.”
It’s not a conscious choice to stay. It’s a trauma response. Your nervous system recognises that confusion as normal.
This isn’t about naivety or weakness. Your nervous system experiences the intense cycle as familiar.
And after each rejection, there’s a spike of attention, which the brain registers as a reward.
This creates an addictive cycle of hope, disappointment, and emotional fusion, much like how the brain responds to substances like alcohol or sugar.
The first step – Becoming aware of the pattern
As long as you believe this relationship is different, or that you are the problem, you remain trapped in the cycle.
The first step towards real freedom is seeing the pattern.
Not with shame, but with compassion:
You were looking for love. You found a mirror.
And that mirror reflects what still needs to be healed.
Love can be safe – Not a battle
You don't have to prove yourself to be loved.
You don't have to endure pain to be seen.
Love should not be a puzzle, but a foundation.
If you recognise yourself in this, you are not weak, you are becoming wise.
And perhaps… this is the beginning of something new.
A love in which you no longer have to lose yourself.