Codependency and narcissism. It didn't start with your ex

It didn't start with your ex, but with your very first wound

Codependency and narcissism – Why you were drawn back to that one pain

How old wounds explain the pull towards narcissists

The relationship was not the beginning.

It was a mirror of something that started much earlier, something that is finally ready to be seen.

A truth that is often missed

You may think it all began with that one partner.

The one relationship that broke you, wounded you, shook your identity to its core.

But the truth is, it began long before that.

Anyone who has ever been deeply entangled in a destructive relationship with a narcissist has already known that dynamic on some level.

Not in romance, but in childhood.

Not with a partner, but with a parent or caregiver.

In the place where love was tangled with adaptation.

Where safety meant surviving.

Where being yourself was never quite enough.

Codependency does not just happen. It is a deeply ingrained pattern.

And wherever there is codependency, there is an origin. There is always a narcissist.

It can seem as though it all started with that partner. But in reality, they touched something much deeper.

The relationship with a narcissistic partner is often a mirror of what you have experienced before, but have never been able to fully see or acknowledge. That can be painful and confusing.

Yet hidden in that reflection is an opening, a chance for recognition, for deeper awareness, for seeing the wound that has lived within you for years.

The narcissist is rarely the source of your pain, but they are the mirror of it.

When love was never unconditional

During your childhood, you may not have been able to identify what was happening. A parent who ignored or rejected your emotions, who made love dependent on your behaviour, or who made you take care of their well-being while you were still a child.

Perhaps there was no visible abuse, but rather a constant emotional void, control or subtle manipulation.

These are circumstances in which your system learned that love is something you have to work hard for.

That you must please to avoid conflict.
That boundaries are selfish.
That your needs are less important than someone else’s.

You didn’t fall in love with the person, you recognised the pattern

Your nervous system learned to feel at home in what was unsafe.

You didn’t choose a narcissist because you wanted to.

You recognised something. Not with your mind, but with your body. Something old. Something familiar.

Your nervous system knew the unpredictability well, the highs and lows, the tension, the constant effort to be seen.

It felt like “love” because it resembled the past.

The truth is… your system was already living in survival mode.

You didn’t fall for the person, you fell for a familiar pattern.

Your core wounds recognised theirs.

They pulled each other in like magnets.

Without awareness of your survival patterns, you keep seeking what was once missing. And so you repeat the very thing that hurt you, hoping this time it will be different.

A new partner.

A different name.

The same underlying dynamic.

Because you attract what you unconsciously believe love to be. And until that inner pattern changes, the outside world will keep reflecting it back to you.

Why this relationship feels like the breaking point

In love, everything comes together, the attachment, the hope, the longing to be seen.

This is why a relationship with a narcissist often becomes the ultimate catalyst.

What makes it different from earlier experiences with parents, friends, or colleagues is the intensity.

The surrender.

The intimacy.

This is why it often marks the breaking point for a codependent, the moment you simply cannot continue as before. The mask falls. The reality sinks in.

You know: I can’t do this anymore.

And that is where real recovery begins. Not by trying to understand or forgive the narcissist, but by calling yourself back from a life of adapting, pleasing, and surviving.

Healing is not about the narcissist

True healing doesn’t begin with reading books or trying to analyse what happened. It begins by acknowledging the depth of the pattern.

Recognising that it is not random, not an isolated incident, but a repetition of something old.

That’s why recovery means softening the wounds of your childhood, regulating your nervous system, rebuilding your self-image, breaking the pull–push dynamic, and learning to truly feel what is yours, and to let go of what no longer belongs to you.

It can be painful to realise that this relationship was not the cause, but the consequence.

But it is also liberating.

Because what was once learned can be unlearned.

What once masqueraded as love can be recognised as survival.

And from there, you can choose yourself, real connection, a life rooted in truth, and freedom that comes from within.

It started long before adulthood

Narcissism and codependency never appear out of nowhere. They are rooted in deep systems of old patterns, childhood wounds, and nervous system conditioning.

The foundation is laid early on, in your relationship with your parents or caregivers. Those who grow up with a narcissistic parent or emotionally unsafe upbringing learn that love and security are conditional.

These deeply embedded patterns will keep showing up later, in love, friendships, even at work.

Breaking free from codependency therefore means going back to the core. Seeing how your nervous system, self-image and way of connecting have been shaped, so that you can finally break through the old programming.

The invisible beginning – Why codependency and narcissism are two sides of the same coin

Both narcissism and codependency have their roots in early childhood.

In a home where one or both parents were emotionally absent, controlling, or narcissistic, a deep belief about love and safety is formed.

This is where the crucial split occurs:

Codependents learn they must earn love by pleasing, adapting, and erasing themselves.

Narcissists learn that vulnerability is dangerous and build a mask of control and manipulation to avoid pain.

Both strategies come from the same wound, but they are processed in opposite ways.

How your nervous system is wired for unsafe love

When a child grows up in an emotionally unsafe environment, their nervous system is constantly on high alert. This is literally recorded in the limbic system – the part of the brain that governs emotions, survival responses, and attachment.

Codependents develop hyper-vigilance – scanning their surroundings for any shift, sensing exactly what others need, but becoming disconnected from their own feelings and boundaries.
Narcissists develop emotional numbing – dissociating from vulnerability, building a false self, and seeing empathy as weakness.

Why narcissists instantly recognise codependents (But not the other way around)

A narcissist immediately senses when someone is codependent. Your adaptability, caring nature and fear of rejection are exactly what attracts them.

The narcissist recognises you immediately. You don't recognise the narcissist because you have learned to confuse this dynamic with love.

That's why it feels so intense, so familiar at first. It's a perfect match on a trauma level, and that's what makes it so dangerous.

Why narcissists need codependents (But not the other way around)

The dynamic is always the same:

The codependent abandons themselves in the hope of love.

The narcissist takes more and more space, control and power.

But here’s the key to your freedom:

A narcissist cannot survive without a codependent. Without your energy, empathy and endless adaptation, their façade collapses.

Without prey, there is no predator.

The more codependents heal, the less fuel narcissists have – and the faster their masks fall.

The real danger of a relationship with a narcissist

Narcissists are not just “difficult” or “selfish” people.

Their tactics are deliberate and systematic.

Gaslighting – Your reality is twisted so often that you no longer trust yourself.
Push-Pull Cycles – Your nervous system becomes addicted to the mix of love and rejection.
Silent Treatment & Stonewalling – The narcissist ignores you as punishment, causing you to become submissive out of panic.
Projection & Blame-Shifting – Everything they do is blamed on you. You are always “the one at fault”.

This isn’t a relationship – it’s emotional warfare.

How it destroys your health

Long-term exposure to narcissistic abuse has physical consequences:

Chronic fight-flight-freeze state – Your body is always tense.
Immune system burnout – You become more prone to illness; hormonal imbalances arise.
Unexplained physical symptoms – Migraines, digestive issues, chronic pain.

Leaving doesn’t just feel emotionally impossible, but also physically unsafe, because your body thinks it cannot survive without this relationship.

Why awareness is the first step to freedom

As long as you don't understand what is really happening in your nervous system, your survival mechanisms and old programming, you will continue to blame yourself.

This isn’t weakness. It isn’t personal failure.

You were programmed to earn love.

You were trained to make yourself invisible.

And you were never taught what healthy love feels like.

The good news? You are not broken. You have been programmed, and you can rewrite that programming.

Mother & Father wounds. – The roots of the programming

A narcissistic mother teaches you that love means you care, feel, fix, and disappear.
A narcissistic father teaches you that love means you must prove yourself, earn approval, and live under constant criticism.

In both cases, you learn:

Love is not unconditional. I must work for it.

My needs don’t matter.

This pattern repeats in your adult relationships.

Understanding narcissism doesn’t mean accepting It

Yes, narcissists were once wounded children too. That is part of their story, but it never justifies their behaviour.

Their pain matters. But your pain matters too.

Firm boundaries are the only answer, and you learn them by pulling yourself out of the dynamic.

Breaking the generational chain. Why your healing goes beyond yourself

Codependency and narcissism are not “personal problems”. They are generational patterns, passed from parent to child.

By breaking your pattern:

You stop passing it on to the next generation.
You make space for love without pain or power struggles.
You remove the ground narcissism grows on.

You are the link that can stop this chain.

When you stop adapting and face your pain, you don’t just break your cycle – you break a centuries-old pattern.

Are you ready to break codependency?

If this resonates, this might be the moment to take the next step.

Explore my programme or book a free call.