Why this knowledge is essential

Narcissists come in many forms and degrees, but they all have one thing in common: they are incapable of genuine love.

Some manipulate subtly and quietly, while others are openly aggressive and dangerous. But the most destructive and dangerous? The psychopathic narcissist.

For the codependent, it is vital not only to recognise this, but also to truly understand it – with both your head and your body. Because only when you understand what has happened can you systematically detach yourself from it.

A relationship with a narcissist is not a normal relationship. It is a psychological and often somatic war in which you slowly lose your frame of reference, your identity, and your sense of reality. Until you step out of the illusion and realise that this was never love.

The different types of narcissists and why this matters.

Narcissism has many faces. Some narcissists are loud and dominant. Others seem gentle, modest or even empathetic. But don't be fooled: it's all a façade. They lack genuine empathy. What they project is intended to gain trust, not to create a real bond.

The mask may differ, but the effect is always deeply destructive.

Overt Narcissist

• Dominant, loud, hungry for attention and admiration

• Reacts aggressively to criticism (narcissistic rage)

• Openly manipulates with gaslighting and guilt

Covert Narcissist

• Appears modest and empathic but is full of jealousy and resentment

• Plays the victim to make you reliant

• Controls in subtle, passive-aggressive ways

Psychopathic (Malignant) Narcissist

• No empathy, ruthless, and highly manipulative

• Lies constantly and believes their own lies

• Abuses physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally

• Dangerous – may stalk, threaten, or become violent

Somatic Narcissist

• Obsessed with appearance and sexual power

• Uses looks and sexual attraction for control

• Often has multiple partners at once

Cerebral Narcissist

• Feels superior through intellect and knowledge

• Emotionally cold, condescending, and dismissive

Most narcissists display traits of several types. The form tells you something, but the real story lies in the dynamic and in how your trauma responses keep you tied to it.

You didn’t walk into this relationship from your present self

You entered it from a deeply ingrained survival pattern rooted in childhood where love was not freely given, but conditional.

You learned to adapt, please, or numb yourself to feel safe or connected. That is where codependency begins, as the survival strategy of a child who took responsibility for the emotions, moods, or wellbeing of a parent.

That child didn’t had space to be themselves. They had to scan, care, give, and silence their own needs in exchange for a glimpse of love, approval, or peace.

And that exact pattern repeats itself in your adult relationships. Not because you want it, but because your nervous system recognises that old dynamic as “normal”.

The pull between a codependent and a narcissist is no coincidence. It is a painful reflection of the same core wound. Not being loved unconditionally for who you are.

Where you attach through care, adaptation, and availability, the narcissist attaches through power, control, and emotional distance.

Two extremes of the same fracture. Two survival strategies born from buried pain.

But you no longer need to fill that void with the other person. You can finally acknowledge, see and heal it from a place of mature awareness, gentleness and truth.

What your partner gave you was not love. It was the chemistry of your survival mechanism. And so it felt familiar and unsafe at the same time.

Why Codependents Are the Perfect Target

If you grew up with unpredictable love, emotional absence, shame, parental manipulation or trauma, you learn that love is something you have to earn. You focus on the other person, sense exactly what they need and neglect yourself. That is what you learned as a child in order to survive.

A narcissist senses this instinctively. They mirror your deep desire to finally be accepted, seen or cherished. They activate your limbic system, the place where old patterns are stored, and this creates confusion between love and survival.

Their tactics are calculated:

• They cry without depth (manipulative, not sincere)

• They use vulnerability as bait

• They mirror your values to create false bonding

• They say, ‘I hate lies’ — and meanwhile lie systematically

For a codependent, this feels like emotional recognition, but it’s a trap.

Why narcissists cheat

A narcissist needs external validation the way you need oxygen. The moment you set boundaries, feeling unwell, or create emotional distance, they look for another ‘source’ of supply.

Cheating is not a mistake for a narcissist, it’s a strategy.

They:

• Maintain multiple connections at the same time

• Keep exes separated so no one knows the full truth

• Create confusion so you adapt instead of leaving

Their addiction to power, attention, and drama drives them. And your empathy and hope become the perfect fuel.

Male vs female narcissists

Many male narcissists are shaped by an absent father or emotionally immature mother. Without secure attachment, they seek control rather than connection.

Female narcissists often:

• Play the empath while manipulating through care

• Use victimhood as a weapon

• Are masters of subtle destruction (gossip, twisting, blame)

Their behaviour often goes unrecognised, precisely because it is less explicit.

Why acknowledging the dynamic is critical

You can only heal what you’re willing to see. Many codependents cling to the hope that ‘love conquers all’. But this is not a love story. This is trauma disguised as romance.

Every moment you stay, you drift further from yourself. The narcissist feeds on your strength, until you decide to stop giving.

How to break the cycle

1. Radical acceptance – See reality as it is. Release the hope they’ll change.

2. No contact (or low contact if you share children) – Every interaction is an opening for more manipulation.

3. Regulate your nervous system – Narcissistic trauma lives in the body. Somatic recovery is essential, not optional.

4. Address your inner wounds – Without healing them, you’ll repeat the pattern.

5. Rebuild your self-worth – Love is not earned. You are already enough.

The pain started long before this relationship

Much of this pattern stems from your early attachment: parents who were emotionally absent, unpredictable or controlling.

Mother and father wounds often form the basis for your later relationships.

Was your mother emotionally unstable? Then you learned to regulate her moods.

Was your father unsafe or dominant? Then you learned to make yourself small or work hard for recognition.

These wounds stay active until you consciously feel and heal them. Only when you give yourself what you missed back then can you stop repeating the cycle.

You can break this cycle

A relationship with a narcissist breaks you open. And yes, it feels as though you will never be the same again.

But that is the point.

You will not be the same.

You become the version of yourself who does see, does feel, and does choose for yourself.

You deserve love that isn’t conditional on your performance.

You deserve peace, clarity, and security. You deserve your truest self

And it starts here.

Do you finally want to break free and reclaim yourself?

Would you like guidance in this process?

Discover my 16-week programme and recover from the inside out, returning to peace, boundaries, and authenticity.