Trauma bonding

You know it’s not good for you. And yet you stay.

You hope, you smooth things over, you explain, you doubt yourself. Sometimes you even wonder if it’s your fault.

That you should be calmer, communicate better, be softer.

But deep down you feel this isn’t the kind of love that fills you.

It’s the kind that drains you.

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond isn’t a connection built on love, it’s built on survival.

It arises when you become attached to someone who hurts you at the same time.

In relationships with a narcissist or someone with manipulative behaviour, this often develops very quickly. Not because you’re weak, but because your system has become used to confusion, emotional absence or a lack of safety.

The relationship feels intense, familiar, intense, addictive. But what you feel is not a secure attachment.

It’s the constant swing between warmth and punishment, affection and rejection, attention and withdrawal. This makes your brain crave validation, and continues to hope for the version of the other person that you sometimes get to see.

Do you recognise yourself in this?

Ten signs you’re in a trauma bond:

1. You feel dependent on the other person

2. You constantly seek their validation

3. You’re punished the moment you set a boundary

4. They switch between warmth and distance

5. You keep hoping it will get better

6. You feel guilty for even thinking about leaving

7. You constantly doubt yourself

8. Your body stays tense and on high alert

9. You know something’s wrong — yet you explain it away

10. You’re scared of who you’ll be when it’s really over

A trauma bond isn’t always recognised by what’s happening, but by how you feel deep down.

Confused. Abandoned. Yet still hooked.

What trauma bonding really is

Trauma bonding isn’t love, it’s an addictive attachment to an unsafe person.

It develops when warmth and punishment keep alternating. In psychology, this is called intermittent reinforcement: a pattern where you’re rewarded at times, hurt at others, and then given hope again.

Your system adapts to this. Not because you’re weak, but because your body learned to survive this way.

• When you receive warmth or attention, dopamine is released → hope, connection, euphoria

• When you are distanced, ignored or punished, your adrenaline and cortisol levels rise → panic, stress

• And as soon as things seem “good” → relief follows, and the cycle starts again

You’re not addicted to the person, you’re addicted to the cycle of reward and rejection.

It’s your nervous system trying to survive in an environment that feels like the one you knew before: unpredictable, confusing and unsafe.

The deep wound in the codependent

Codependents often grew up where love was confusing or inconsistent.

Love didn’t feel natural, it felt like something you had to earn.

You learned to tune in to others.

You became skilled at scanning, pleasing, adapting.

Not because you wanted to, but because you were looking for safety in unsafe situations.

You may have felt responsible for the mood in the house, or for a parent’s emotions.

As if it was your job to “make things better” so there could be peace.

So you learned that if you adapt, it feels safer.

And that if it hurts, it’s probably your fault.

You carry that imprint with you.

Not as a conscious belief, but as an automatic reflex wired into your nervous system.

Why the narcissist feels ‘safe’

A narcissist senses that open wound in you, often without even realising it.

And where you long for recognition, connection and honesty… the narcissist craves control, validation and power.

At first it seems perfect. You’re seen, admired, desired. But slowly, the dynamic shifts.

You give more and more, bend further, rationalise their anger, infidelity or criticism.

Because you don’t want to “fail” again. You don’t want to lose someone again.

So you cling to the hope that maybe it will go back to how it was in the beginning.

That’s the trap.

Trauma bonding is not the result of love, but of a cycle in which you drift further and further away from yourself.

Love or trauma bond?

Love can be quiet, but it’s never confusing.

A trauma bond is often intense, but it’s never safe.

Love

• You feel safe, even in silence

• You can set boundaries without fear

• You don’t have to lose yourself to stay connected

• Conflicts can be discussed and resolved

• You feel calm and there is mutual care

Trauma bond

• You feel tense or empty when it’s quiet

• You’re punished when you set a boundary

• You feel like you are losing yourself

• Conflicts are ignored, escalated or turned against you

• You feel a constant pull of longing, alertness and hope that never gets fulfilled

Love makes space for who you are.

A trauma bond requires you to disappear in order to keep the other person.

What happens in your body?

Trauma bonding doesn’t live in your head, it lives in your whole system.

Your nervous system becomes addicted to the stimulus and reward cycle.

• You feel euphoric when there’s contact

• Panicked when there’s distance

• Numb when there’s criticism

• And deeply desperate at the threat of loss

This constant sense of danger activates your survival responses, pleasing, freezing, fawning.

You’re constantly “switched on.” Your body is scanning, your stomach is tight, your breath is shallow.

And while you may tell yourself it’s love… your body is telling you something else.

The inner voice of the trauma bond

• I know it’s hurting me, slowly draining me… but if I let go, it feels like I can’t breathe.
• Without him/her I feel so alone. Everything feels empty.
• Maybe I’m overreacting. I am sensitive after all.
• It was probably my tone. Or that I said it at the wrong moment.
• He/she is just tired. Or scared. Or triggered.
• And sometimes it’s so good between us… in those moments I feel everything again.

Do you recognise these kinds of thoughts?

Then it's not your adult consciousness speaking, but the part of you that learned to hold on to love by letting go of yourself.

Why you can’t “just leave”

“Why don’t you just walk away?”

It sounds simple, but it’s painfully ignorant.

Because trauma bonding is not a rational choice.

It’s a system that keeps you trapped through fear, guilt and hope.

You’re afraid of what will happen to you if you let go.

Afraid of the pain.

The emptiness.

The identity crisis.

You might even think, Without them I have nothing left.

But what you feel then… is not love.

It’s emotional reliance, rooted in inner wounds that were never acknowledged.

What it takes to truly break free

Not another analysis. Not another talk.

What you need is safety within yourself.

• Nervous system regulation: so your body can feel it’s safe to let go

• Grief: for what you never truly had, but longed for so deeply

• Acknowledgement: of how deeply this pattern has lived in you

• Reprogramming: the belief that you must earn love

• Inner leadership: so you are back at the helm of your life

You don't do that all at once.

It's a step-by-step process.

With compassion, boundaries and a deep sense of responsibility.

You were loyal, not foolish

Your system chose safety over freedom. But now it’s time to choose yourself again.

Love is not a mindfuck. Not a cycle of hope, pain and regret.

Love doesn’t make you smaller.

Love doesn’t break you down.

Love doesn’t demand that you disappear.

Letting go of the bond is painful.

But it’s also the beginning of your liberation.

Reflection for you

What are you really holding on to?

The person, or the hope that it will one day be like it was at the start?

And if it’s the hope…

Which part of you is clinging to it?

The part that has been left, rejected or unseen too many times?

→ You don’t have to let go of everything at once.

But perhaps you do need to let go of the part of you that disappears time and time again in order not to lose love.

Do you recognise yourself in this?

You don’t have to do it alone.

My 16-week programme is designed for those ready to break free from patterns of dependency, pleasing and self-abandonment — and come home to themselves.

My 16-week programme is designed for those ready to break free from patterns of unhealthy attachment, pleasing and self-abandonment.

For those who want to come home to their authentic self.

→ Take the free self-test – Am I codependent?

→ Read more about the 16-week programme